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Symphony of Parenting: Navigating Manipulation Tactics for Healthier Co-Parenting After Divorce
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This episode illuminates the profound impact that manipulation and triangulation can have on children caught in parental conflict, emphasizing the need for clear communication and boundaries in co-parenting. We discuss examples of manipulation, the emotional toll on children, and actionable strategies for divorced parents to support their kids.
• Exploring manipulation and triangulation in co-parenting
• Discussing harmful effects on children's emotional health
• Offering preventative measures for parents
• Encouraging open communication without involving children
• Highlighting the importance of professional help and documentation
• Focusing on the child's well-being as the primary goal
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Is there a major life transition benching you? I know you may be asking what's next? What's my purpose? What if? Because I've asked those too.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast. I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure. Hi, welcome back. You're listening to episode 75. I've heard from a lot of you that this series on parenting has been what you've needed to hear. I've appreciated all of your comments Over the course of the last few weeks.
Speaker 1:I have been discussing several topics, being consistent, in episode 71. This is a must for any single parent. This is a must for any single parent. In episode 72, I discussed how to not trash talk your ex in front of your kids. It's very hard to do, but in the long run it will be worth it. In episode 73, I just wanted to speak to you about your children's transition weekly from home to home. The few steps I shared will hopefully cause it to be an easier transition for them. And last week, in episode 74, I hit a topic that is about having the urge to compete with your Disneyland co-parent. This is not the happiest place on earth. But today I want to discuss a topic that is seen but is hard to define and know what it looks like, because we don't really know the motive behind it. However, as we watch and listen, we will figure it out before our children do so. Keeping it to ourselves and not screaming it out to the world is hard.
Speaker 1:You may be wondering what I am talking about, and this week's topic is manipulation and triangulation. To start off, let me give you the definitions of each word. Triangulation this is a manipulative tactic where a person brings a third party into a two-person interaction to create conflict, alleviate anxiety or gain control. In the context of divorced parents, this often involves using the children or other family members to relay messages, create tension or take sides. Manipulation this involves exerting undue influence over someone to control their actions or decisions. In divorce situations, manipulation can take many forms, including emotional blackmail, guilt, tripping and twisting facts. I'd like to give you three quick examples of what this may look like, and maybe you've experienced it and, man, if you haven't, this is great news.
Speaker 1:The first one is using your children as a messenger. For instance, a parent tells their child hey, go tell your mom that I'm not happy with the current custody arrangement. This forces the child to carry adult burdens and puts them in the middle of their parent's conflict. No, the other example, creating parental alienation. One parent is consistently speaking negatively about the other parent to the children, aiming to damage the children's relationship with that parent. This can involve exaggerating flaws, fabricating stories or undermining the other parent's authority. And the third one is emotional blackmail. A parent may say things like If you really love me, you'd want to live with me all the time, or your dad or mom doesn't care about you like I do. This uses the child's emotions to manipulate their behavior and create feelings of guilt and disloyalty. In this instance, sometimes a parent facilitator is required, and one that is court ordered and reports to the court. Let me explain. This will require a probably going back to court with your attorney to demand to have a parent facilitator. This court order facilitator follows the decree and, more importantly, can't find the parent, if it comes to it, for not following.
Speaker 1:It's crucial to understand the very real and damaging effects that triangulation and manipulation can have on children of divorced parents. Some specific damages to children. Number one they have increased anxiety and stress because when children are placed in the middle of their parents' conflicts, they experience significant emotional turmoil. This can lead to chronic anxiety, difficulty sleeping and even result in some physical symptoms. Number two they can have low self-esteem and have feelings of powerlessness. Being forced to take sides or carry adult emotional burdens can make children feel inadequate and helpless. They may feel responsible for their parents' happiness, which, as we all know, is an impossible burden to bear. Number three they themselves will have difficulty forming healthy relationships, because children who witness or experience manipulation may learn unhealthy relationship patterns. They may struggle to trust others, have difficulty setting boundaries or replicate manipulative behaviors in their own relationships. Number four there can be emotional and behavioral problems. Triangulation and manipulation can lead to a range of emotional and behavioral issues, including depression, anger, acting out and sometimes withdrawal. Number five damage to the parent and child relationship.
Speaker 1:Parental alienation, a form of extreme manipulation, can severely damage or destroy a child's relationship with one parent. This can cause lifelong emotional pain and create feelings of confusion and betrayal. It is not easy to recover. However, it is very important to protect the children from these behaviors. Here are a few ways to help. Number one establish clear boundaries. Parents should communicate directly with each other, avoiding the use of children as intermediaries. Use communication tools that document conversations, such as co-parenting apps or email. These actions directly reduce the child's exposure to conflict and manipulation, minimizing their anxiety and stress. This is why establishing clear boundaries and maintaining consistent communication is vital. When parents communicate directly, children then are shielded from this stress. Establishing clear boundaries and not using the children as messengers protect the children from this form of damage.
Speaker 1:Number two maintain consistent communication. Regular, respectful communication between parents can minimize misunderstandings and reduce the likelihood of manipulation. Focus on the children's needs and avoid personal attacks. Number three prioritize your children's well-being. Remind yourself that the children's emotional health is paramount. Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children, because this reinforces the child's sense of security and value, countering feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem. Prioritizing the children's well-being and seeking professional help can counteract this.
Speaker 1:Number four seek professional help. A therapist or counselor specializing in co-parenting can provide guidance and support. They can help parents develop healthy communication strategies and address the emotional impact of triangulation and support. They can help parents develop healthy communication strategies and address the emotional impact of triangulation and manipulation. Therapists also can teach children coping mechanisms and help them understand that they are not responsible for their parents' problems. Finally, number five. Finally, number five document everything. Keep records of all communication and any events that occur. This can be very helpful if legal intervention becomes necessary. Documenting everything and seeking professional help allows for the adults to learn healthy communication skills that will, in turn, be modeled for their children. By taking these steps, divorced parents can minimize the harmful effects of triangulation and manipulation and create a more stable and supportive environment for their children.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself in this place, please contact your attorney, the sooner the better. Even though these expenses can be huge, they are necessary for the well-being of both you and your children. Let me say this I am very sorry that you're in this place. I have seen this firsthand and how detrimental it can be for children. Act in the best interest of your children. This isn't an overnight fix. It could take several years for you to see the benefit of all that you're doing. Remember that your children didn't divorce their other parent. That's all for today.
Speaker 1:Join me next time in the final episode on the Symphony of Parenting, as I discuss not using your children as your counselor. Some of you actually need to hear this. It is a powerful message. You won't want to miss it. I'll see you next time. Hey, thanks for listening. I don't take it for granted that you're here. You didn't listen by mistake. If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week. Remember, there's still time left on the clock. Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback. I want to give a special shout-out to Country Club for the original music. You can find them on Instagram at Country Club. Thank you.
