Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse
I'm Toni and a certified Life Coach. Is there a major life transition benching you? Let’s create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
Your life only seems to be over, however, there’s still time on the clock.
Let’s get you off the bench to start your comeback.
Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse
The Divorce Decision: Four Questions Every Loyalist Must Answer
I would love to hear from you! Send a text!
Divorce is one of the most difficult decisions a loyalist can face, especially when loyalty has crossed into codependence. I share my personal experience and four critical questions to ask yourself before making this life-altering decision.
• Loyalty is noble and necessary, but becomes toxic when it binds you to someone not interested in mutual growth
• The emotional weight of considering divorce includes guilt, shame, anxiety, and anger
• Have you truly done everything possible to save your marriage, including counseling and therapy?
• Have you had honest, specific, ongoing conversations with your spouse about your unhappiness?
• Consider the practical reality of life after divorce, including living arrangements and finances
• Children sense dysfunction even without knowing details - they need honesty wrapped in love
• Whether staying or leaving, both paths involve pain - staying means brutal work, leaving means brutal grief
• You have the strength to walk through either path and come out stronger
If today's episode struck a chord, I want to invite you to schedule a free 20-minute clarity call with me. No pressure, no judgment, just a safe space to process where you are and what you're feeling. There's a link in the show notes with my calendar.
Let's create your transition gameplan:
Book your discovery call
You can find me at:
Website
Facebook
Shock
Limbo
Re-Entry
Sound of You
Is there a major life transition benching you? I know you may be asking what's next? What's my purpose? What if? Because I've asked those too. Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast. I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure. Hi, welcome back. You're listening to Start your Comeback and this is episode 94. And this is episode 94.
Speaker 1:Today we're heading into the deep end. If you caught last week's episode, you know we talked about loyalty and how that good, god-given quality can take a dark turn into codependence. Let's be clear Loyalty is noble, it's beautiful, it's necessary in any relationship worth fighting for. But when loyalty becomes a leash, when it binds you to someone who has no interest in healing, growth or mutual effort, there's no longer loyalty, it's codependence, and that's a slow death by emotional entanglement. So today we're going to talk about something that many of us loyalists never imagined ourselves facing, that's divorce. But let me say this first, loud and clear, before we move on I am not a therapist, I'm a coach. I'm a woman who's lived this story and someone who's done the hard work with a therapist. I'm a coach. I'm a woman who's lived this story and someone who's done the hard work with a therapist. So what I'm sharing today comes from real experience, not just a theory. But let's start here first. Have you ever wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves? Wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves? If that hit you in the gut, then just keep listening.
Speaker 1:Before we get into a bunch of questions you need to ask yourself before filing or leaving, let's address some brutal emotions that come with being a loyalist who's living in that dark side of codependency. So if you're a loyalist, you know what I'm talking about. Right? The guilt of even thinking about leaving can eat you alive. The shame of breaking a vow you made 25 years ago, or maybe it was five or 15. It sits on your chest like a weight you can't lift, the anxiety of knowing that this decision could blow up your whole family. It's paralyzing. And man. Then the anger. You see it's real, because you've tried everything. You're exhausted. You've been fighting for a two-person team while the other person's sitting on the bench. Let me tell you, I hate losing, but in this battle I lost, and so did my family. So how do you know it's time to go. Let's just slow down a minute and walk through a few questions together. These are the questions I had to ask myself when I was staring down the end of my marriage. This is the hard pregame film session before a decision is made. All right, here we go.
Speaker 1:Number one have you done everything you can to save your marriage? And I don't mean like you've read a book or you've been venting to your best friend, I mean the hard work. Have you gone to marriage counseling? Have you gone to individual therapy to work on your stuff? Are you showing up with the willingness to do your part, regardless of whether your spouse is doing theirs? Do the work for you. And yes, even if they won't, why? Because your kids are watching. Show them what fighting for something really looks like.
Speaker 1:Number two have you had honest, specific and ongoing conversations with your spouse about your unhappiness? Not just I'm not happy, but here's where I'm struggling in this marriage. Be willing to sit in uncomfortable conversations. This isn't a one and done talk. These are open, raw, repeated conversations that peel back all the layers. Number three have you thought about what life will look like on your own? Because, let me tell you, when I walked away. I didn't just lose a marriage, I became an empty nester and divorced all at the same time. I had to figure out where I was going to live, how to handle finances and how to build a brand new life on my own. You need to start imagining the practical reality, not just the fantasy of relief.
Speaker 1:Number four how will this affect your kids? And, honestly, this should be question number one, or it could be question number one, but the truth is your kids already know. They see the tension, they feel the silence. They may not know the details, but they sense the dysfunction. I have a two-year-old grandson and his parents are in the process of moving. He doesn't understand and he's he's unsure, he's a little bit whiny and he wants to be held, to feel safe. And that's how we know that they sense and know these things even at an early age. And while you should absolutely protect them from adult problems, you owe them the honesty, without being graphic. They don't need to know the details, they don't need the courtroom transcript, they just need to feel safety, stability and the truth wrapped in love. There are dozens of questions you could ask, but these four are foundational and here's the last bit of hard truth.
Speaker 1:Whichever road you choose staying or leaving it's going to be painful. There's no path out of this without hurt. If you stay, it's brutal work. If you leave, it's brutal grief. Either way it's work and either way it's hard. But here's what I know you can do these hard things. You can walk through the grief, the fear and the uncertainty and come out stronger. I did, and I've coached other women who have. You're not crazy. You're certainly not weak. You're just someone trying to find solid ground again. So if you're in that place, your heart's racing, your brain's spinning and you're wondering what your next move is. Don't do it alone.
Speaker 1:If today's episode struck a chord, I want to invite you to schedule a free 20 minute clarity call with me. No pressure, no judgment, just a safe space to process where you are and what you're feeling. There's a link in the show notes with my calendar. Just click on it and it'll give you the times and that I'm available to talk. And if you haven't already, go back and listen to last week's episode on loyalty and codependence. It's a powerful setup for this conversation. Remember, loyalty is a gift, but your comeback, that's your responsibility. I'm here cheering you on. I'll see you next time. Hey, thanks for listening. I don't take it for granted that you're here. You didn't listen by mistake. If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week. Remember, there's still time left on the clock. Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback. I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music. You can find them on Instagram at Country Club. Thank you.
